insomnia kicked in...a few words about the coming of 2009 and my resolutions

Its nearly the end of the year 2008, but I feel like 2009 will feel just the same.

I was listening to Hot 97 the other day, and the DJ was asking callers about their "New Years resolutions". The generic answers like: make more money, lose weight, etc. were dished out. I'm wondering: why are we still talking about resolutions?...are we not past this old ritual of procrastinating our hard-to-reach goals for as long as possible? How irksome.

I once indulged myself in the listing of "new years resolutions". But years ago I stopped and decided if I want to commit myself to achieving something, why not start now, at the very moment the idea was born...instead of tacking on the deadline of January 1st to compile a list that will only look more taxing in bulk?

The coming of a "new year" offers an excuse to "wipe the slate clean", or "turn over a new leaf" (or forest...if you were significantly naughty)...when really Jan 1 is the same as Dec 31. Does the sun rise in the west and set in the east? No. Do the pigs begin to fly? No. Do people forget the past? No.
I'm not being cynical...just being realistic. Forget waiting until 2009 to start learning Hungarian. Do it now! Time waits for no one...so why wait for it?
What the New Year does give us is a reason to indulge in all those wonderful little vices to kickoff the 2009 season!!

My favorite is when the token alcoholic resolves to cut down his or her drinking habit to once a month or none at all with a New Years night chock full of debauchery and inebriated fun in a number of late night establishments. LOL...how contradictory! Although I see how it might work...the sheer agony of January 1st's hangover should scare one away from the liquor cabinet altogether. Silly humans. We never learn.

And this is the first New Years Eve I have not fretted over.
Every year its: --where are we going? --with who? --wearing what? --drinking what? --will i need a plan B? how about a plan C? --will my beta fish have an easy transition into the New Year? Maybe minus the last one. But you never know. The accidental dunking of my beta fish -Fluffy- into Malibu one year didn't really have a positive effect on its health. (PETA, please don't come after me....i swear it was an honest to God mistake.)

So this year I'm going to wing it...roll with the punches...see where the wind blows, and hopefully its not straight into the bathroom stall hovering over a certain porcelain god. That, ladies and gents...is my new years resolution.

Happy 2009 everyone!

Hot damn...its brisk outside!!

a day in the life of our dog, E-Honda

6AM - pee on the kitchen floor
8:05AM - assault Patrick starfish
8:30AM - lick balls

9:02AM - decides it time to chew some miscellaneous garbage in the bathroom
12PM - Nap
1:00PM - Pee
1:22 PM - assault Patrick starfish
2:00PM - Eat
3:00PM - sleep s'more
6:00PM - pee maybe poop
6:30PM - assault Patrick starfish
9:00PM - chew on some wire
midnight - sleep

Never settle for the Generic Pathmark Vanilla Wafers

There really is no substitute for the old and golden 'Nilla Wafers.

The Bald Man

Yesterday on the train I saw a young man studying. Roughly, he looked to be in his mid-late twenties, had a gray hoodless sweatshirt, and was bald. I found myself oddly attracted.

He had a handsome face…more on the boyish side, (which doesn’t usually pique my interest) but still very masculine all at the same time. I’m pretty sure I was reading during my entire journey, but truth be told, I was struggling to keep my eyes off his beautiful bald head. My neck just might have snapped if a few glances hadn’t been stolen. The entire time he was chatting with some curly brown haired acquaintance he ran into coincidentally. Apparently they had attended school together in the past. I wonder if he was as good looking then too. (sans, bald head.)

The Bald Man wasn’t extraordinarily handsome,…he was one of those guys you would pass by on the street with maybe only a blip of interest and then proceed on your merry way. No one-eighty degree head turn necessary. (Not that I would do that or anything). The baldness up top was what upped his intrigue points. Noticeably, he could have had a full mane, (the faint shadow of brown on his scalp was a dead giveaway) but why sport locks like every other guy? This guy was bold.

Given, he has a nice, completely smooth, shiny head. Not a bump for miles. Even the most minor of imperfections can ruin a beautiful bald head, rendering it unsexy.

Here is the advice I can offer you men who dare to put hair to razor:

1. Must have a strong face structure. This is crucial, as a fat or

overly round face plus bald head will come off resembling a modern –day Buddha.)

2. Must have a decent bodily build. SKINNY MEN…do NOT attempt this. No hair on a man who is lacking the body to complement it… is not a flattering spectacle. If you are skinny, the only way to successfully pull this off is to have number 3.

3. Good sense of style. It’s true, the svelte can pull this off, but only with an impeccable sense of taste in clothing can this be accomplished. If you do have a nice build, you can actually get away with a bald head without the fashion sense as you will have the body to make up for it. But…paired together will make for a truly deadly sexy combo. Yum.

Baldness is a very particular aesthetic. Not everyone can pull this off. (BTW, when I say bald, I mean completely bald…not even a centimeters-worth of peach fuzz is permitted.) When a man decides to be bald, he is in a way castrating himself because normally, having hair is viewed as an asset. (Just think of all those poor souls sporting those vicious comb-overs in a last attempt to have a hair.) So if you are going to take away that asset, you hope to enhance your other positive traits as much as possible to restore balance back to the ying-yang effect of your self-image. Take something away on the one end, add some more to the other end. Voila. The scale is back to zero. This goes for both men and women alike. Looking good is a balance of all elements…and if you’re gonna shave it, then it’s about time you invest in that gym membership you’ve been wanting…or buy a simply smashing party outfit.

Cookout Weekend Mania

I cannot stress to you how important it is to do your laundry, walk your dog, keep batteries in the TV remote (VERY important), and most importantly....cook. This chick can no longer look to the microwave for gastrointestinal support.

As of late I've been working on upping my cooking skills...(for any of you that have played the popular EA game, The Sims... you'll know what gaining skills looks like...a little thermometer bar drifting overhead as your character spends time completing their task...and I'm pretty sure I've gained me some serious meter pointage! bua-ha.)

BEHOLD MY CREATIONS!!

(Above: Pasta salad with sundried tomatoes, olives, chicken, parsely, grape tomatoes, hard boiled eggs, and pine nuts with balsalmic vinegar.)

Spicy Chicken & Cilantro Wontons...(pan-fried)...[these babies took me roughly 3 hours to whip up from scratch so y'all better a-p-p-r-e-c-i-a-t-e] -->

Emails: The 1st Draft that Should get Sent

Ever since I've become a working-gal, I've learned that professionalism must be exercised all (or most) of the time...the way you dress, the way you carry yourself, the way you speak, what you say, and who you say it to, whether it be via phone, mono-a-mono, or through e-mail. ESPECIALLY email...because emails are not in anyway visually or audibly interactive...its hard to read how the person behind it is saying it. (IE: Sarcasm could easily be taken as an offensive quip by the receiving party if they do not share your sarcastic nature.)

K, so here's the email I would send to someone that owes me a certain piece of information due that day:

[sent: 9:00AM EST]
"Hello so-and-so,

In regards to the meeting today at the Dream house with Barbie, Midge and Ken, please send me the agenda with the attached background info at your soonest convenience.

Thanks!

Regards,
My Name Here"


It's polite, straight to the point and kindly asking for a piece of info. (notice the friendly exclamation points :) )
Receiving the info in a timely manner is crucial so that I may complete my end of the job and quickly move it to the "finished" pile of my brain.

I get no response for a few hours, thus preventing me from moving to step two of the operation. Lets call it operation "Dream House Cookout with Barbie".
So I send out a second plea for information. I mean hey...they probably didn't see email #1...we're all busy people. This time it says:

[sent 11:47AM EST]
"Hi so-and-so,

In reference to the meeting happening at 3PM today with Barbie, Midge and Ken,
please send me the agenda with the attached background info 1 hour prior to the conversation.

Thank you.

Regards,
My Name Here"


Sounds a little more blunt, (notice the "Thank YOU" and not "Thanks" along with the lack of a happy exclamation point) but it's getting close to the wire, so I'm breaking out into a minor sweat (no need for deodorant yet)...but I wish I could have sent my 1st draft that looked something like this:

[not-sent, but wished to have sent at 11:44AM EST]
"Hey so-and-so,

What's the hold up? Send over pronto the agenda and background info for us to scrutinize so we don't head into the Dream House conversation looking like morons. Do not mess up our straight-A game... let's put the pedal to the medal and make this happen, yeah?

Gracias.

-My Name Here"


As perfect as email #2 was, I needed to make some necessary edits to draft number 1. Ha-ha.

So still no response and its already 2:14PM...46 minutes to go before being thrown to Barbie's Dream House chihuahua-guard dogs.
Here's what gets sent (with mine and his superior CC'd):

[sent 2:14PM EST]
So-and-so,

To elaborate on the voicemail I left you, please send the info and agenda for the Dream House Cookout ASAP as the meeting is taking place at 3PM.

Thanks,
My Name Here


ANNDD draft numero uno:


Yo *so-and-so's abbreviated name here*

Tell me you haven't suffered a food coma at your desk! I NEED the Dream House info NOW. What are you doing....has your BlackBerry alerts and my incessant emails not pinged you into action? If you don't send it...so help me i will *^%$#@ kick your @#$% so far you will be working out of the Singapore office!!!

Friggin A,

-S


Not so nice...and probably will destroy a potentially beautiful business relationship.
Thus, remember folks....always be polite. And take off those sneakers and put on a decent pair of heels/ Kenneth Cole's for goodness sakes.
It's been a pleasure doing business with ya...I mean you.

Stat'n Islan' Express Bus Seat Hunting 101

Every morning I pay $5.00 to take the Staten Island Express bus to work. (For all of you non-Stat'n Islander's, there is one-line metro line and a ferry that takes you to Manhattan Island for a grand total of $2.00, but I being the lazy sloth that I am, I opt for the pricier option in exchange for some 45 minutes of precious nap-time en route to work.)

It takes me roughly one hour to one and a half hours (with traffic) to get to midtown Manhattan. Therefore, it is absolutely CRUCIAL that I get a good seat on the bus.

Each bus has a seating capacity of 57 people (pairs of two along each side and an extraneous one in the back), along with an additional 23 persons standing room (given that no one is excessively overweight, then I'd say 20).
I know I will definitely, for sure, WITHOUT question have my tush planted in one of those 57 available seats. Because there is no way, no how I am going to OR from work, standing. pshh.

Now these express bus do not resemble the usual MTA city buses around the city...they're those soft & cushy greyhound-esque buses you take to go to AC, or Boston (ew) for the weekend. And unfortunately, not all bus seats were created equal...as Mr. MLK preached so very long ago. Between seats some have 2 feet of body room, others have 1 foot, and some maybe even less due to inconsiderate riders who love to abuse the recline button.

Point being, I am stuck on this bus with 56 other strangers for 1 hour (or more) with little to no ventilation, so I better be frickin' comfy...THUS...at all costs..make sure NO ONE takes that adjacent seat next to you and you are free to spread out your belongings and take up as much (napping) space as possible for the remainder of the trip.

Step 1: When initially getting on, ALWAYS pick the tightest looking two empty seats you can find. (trust me, you will see why later) Also, try and pick a seat close to the front.

Step 2: Sit in the seat closest to the aisle.

Step 3: Make sure your chair is in its fully upright position. (like when getting ready for airplane takeoff)

Step 4: Spread out your stuff on the adjacent window seat next to you.

Step 5: Shut your eyes as if napping.

(...I get on the bus a little earlier than most, so I do get the luxury of choosing my seat...for the slew of bus riders hopping on at the last stop by the highway....not so lucky. It is at this stop that will determine if you will get to sprawl out with disregard or battle the remainder of the way for personal space.)

Some days you get lucky and the bus won't be filled to max capacity. If you're fortunate enough that this happens, then all you have to do is pray that every passerby (who is also hunting for the most personal space like yourself) will notice the tiny cramped space next to you by the lonely window and pass it on by. (That's the benefit of sitting near the front...there's rarely anyone who backtracks when walking towards the rear...makes em' look stoopit.)

The whole point of looking like your napping is this: It's a fact that a large number of people are shy, or unwilling to associate with a stranger unless absolutely necessary. And chances are, if you're in peaceful slumber with an available seat next to you (albeit, a small one...but still vacant) as opposed to an available seat elsewhere towards the back....they will opt not to disturb you and go for the other vacant seat.

Then, after successfully duping everyone into NOT taking that seat next you...feel free to abuse the recline button, spread out and enjoy the road-trip into the Big Apple....while others look on in jealousy. (i know I do when someone else is that fortunate!!)

So there you have it ladies and gents....how to score the MOST desirable seat on the Statn' I-lan' express. Happy Bussing! ;D